i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
