He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
