his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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