ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
