nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
