Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
