Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
