If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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