I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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