I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
