If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
