Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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