During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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