I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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