hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dicks are not precious.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
