i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
