i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
