You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
