her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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