I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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