I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
