I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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