True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I deserve this hangover.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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