just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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