Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
