I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
