Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
