it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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