I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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