Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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