home. puking in laundry basket.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
