How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize