He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize