I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
