I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
