man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
