I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
