So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
they're like a gay fantastic four
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
