She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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