It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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