New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
