Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
