My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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