The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
