I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
