Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
