if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
