ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We are two peas in an std pod
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
