Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
