i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
