in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
