I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
