New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You're a waste of cheezeits
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
