Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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