Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
