i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
