Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize