I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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