im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
