i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
