I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
