omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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