Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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