Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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