im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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