Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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