I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
