i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
