btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
